Wednesday, July 28, 2010

For my Daddy

I'm sorry. I haven't been here in what feels like forever. The practical reason for this is that I have been without a computer for the last couple of weeks. The real reason though, the reason I have no words and nothing to say, is that my Dad died on Friday. I am numb, and I am wordless.

After a long and awe-inspiringly courageous battle against cancer, which began in his colon and spread through his liver, lungs, spine, bones, and finally his brain, he died peacefully in his sleep in the early hours of Friday morning, surrounded by the people who loved him, with my sister and I asleep on either side of him. He was sixty-one.


I can't imagine a world without my dad in it. He was the most generous, kind, loving, eccentric, wonderful man in the world. He filled a room. He made a party. He lived for music and beauty and family, and for each and every day. He will leave behind him an unfillable space, and a quiet to which we are unaccustomed.


Ruby understands, I think, in the way only a three-year-old can. She had a dream, a week or so before he died, about flying with her Baba, holding his hand. She says he can live in her heart, and that there are stairs in her body for him to get in. She blows kisses out of the window to him at bedtime. She reminds me that he is not ill any more.


It seems wrong, that these few sentences should be all I have to sum up my father, when I would normally find such comfort in words upon words, but for now I am mute. I could talk about the incredible things he has done, the funny stories and the cock-ups, the bravery and the reconciliation, but silence feels more fitting, more natural right now. The words will come, in time, I'm sure.


I love you, Baba. I will miss you forever. I am proud and thankful to have known you.


Always your daughter,


B x

8 comments:

  1. So sorry to hear this sad news. Your beautiful post says it all, no further words are needed to show how much you love him and how much he will be missed. I am desperately trying not to cry! x

    ReplyDelete
  2. So sorry to hear your tragic news, your words brought tears to my eyes and your recent posts have a new poignancy.
    I wish you well and I hope you can take strength from the courage of your small but very astute young daughter, your Dad must have been so proud to be her Baba.
    Virtual hugs, take care of yourself B x

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kelly you write so beautifully. Your dad must have been helluva proud of you and Ruby. Take care of yourself. Lots of love and hugs xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh, what gorgeous thoughts from Ruby.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi, hope it's OK to contact you here. We would love to include your blog on our giveaway search engine: Giveaway Scout (http://www.giveawayscout.com). Have a look and if interested, use our online form to add your blog (http://www.giveawayscout.com/addblog/ ). thanks, Josh

    ReplyDelete
  6. Beautifully written x

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you all for your very kind replies. Although I didn't respond at the time, it wasn't because they didn't mean a lot. They did.

    Except for you, Josh. If you want people to consider your requests, it might be worth reading the blogs you are spamming beforehand to avoid targeting sales pitches at people in mourning . Just sayin'.

    ReplyDelete